I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
