um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
