I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
