I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
