hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
