do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
