this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
