Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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