He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
