So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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