i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im about as happy as oj after his trial
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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