I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
