A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
