There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
