The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
