By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
