i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
