I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just invented taco cereal.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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