Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
