how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
