Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I CAN MOONWALK!
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
