saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
