based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
