she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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