I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize