Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
