she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
