Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're like the curious george of whores
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
