Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
