True but thats because hes a fetus.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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