My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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