Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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