Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
