mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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