I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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