I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
