Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
worst night to have a conscience
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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