he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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