I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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