I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
