Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
