I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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