I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
