I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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