was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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