wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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