Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
