sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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