that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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