just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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