At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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