I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
