Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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