i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize