how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
