sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
