the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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