i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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